My inner voice is screaming at me!!! Again!!

We all have this voice inside our head that says all the things we don’t want to hear. Sometimes it’s as if we do not have control over the voices and things pop into our head like “you are fat” “It’s okay to accept that you will always be this way”, and the most recent one “You have deprived yourself for so long, just do it”. These are things I, or rather a lot of people struggle with on a consistent basis and I will just be honest, I’ve been generous with the words that I’ve given her when I speak of these voices. They are generally more sickening, and darker than I’d like to even admit sometimes.

I have quite a few friends, and a few who are closer than others. Two of my closer friends this week have said things that have affected me in multiple ways.

My boyfriend is a very kind, accepting person. He doesn’t like to admit his sensitivity sometimes but he really does care and respect me as a person. He has loved me at my heaviest and has been a part of this journey in a very unique way.  At my lowest I told him if I ever got over 200 again that I needed to re-evaluate what was going on. I also told him to tell me when I was starting to get heavy again, no matter what.

As a disclaimer I’m not saying being heavy is BAD, just my actions being heavy are bad. I also don’t really like using the word bad, because putting a negative connotation on it makes this a negative experience and what I’ve been doing for all these years is not BAD by any means. It’s a coping mechanism for something larger that I created as a child to help cope with life.  These habits not healthy and eating food in this way is consuming me, almost more than I’m consuming it.

For me, this is all a slippery rope as I have experienced throughout the years. To go back to before my disclaimer, he looked at me as we were watching TV around Christmas and said “Well, are you giving up?”. He said this probably after the 3rd or 4th chocolate, or cookie, or whatever I had walked to the kitchen for and came back to the television to eat. I was a bit shocked, not offended because I prepared myself for this conversation. This is what my inner voice had been telling me the past two weeks, though not quite the same way and most definitely not as confident or straight forward.

I don’t think I said much to him about this comment, other than the NO! I delivered at the time. I then began to think about his words and process what he said over the next few days, and no I wasn’t going to give up (as I turned to writing this blog post).

My other friend has been struggling with her weight also the past few years or so also irked me with some feedback about my progress. Recently she sucked me back into my fit bit which keeps track of my daily steps. She went on a run and invited me to join her for a walk after a bit, I agreed even though I had another agenda. I made a lot of excuses a mile in for not wanting to walk and she kept trying to talk me into staying and said “I know you haven’t been happy lately so I wanted to encourage you to keep going” (or something similar to that). Earlier I sent her a text message with a picture of my weight with a message stating “It’s time to come clean again”.

Both of these people in my life care about me and have permission to say things like this to me. What they don’t know is that these comments jab in my side. They didn’t call me names, they didn’t say I was fat or sugar coat their feedback. They were only being supportive of my goals and original commitment to my self. The comments that they said, only reflect what my inner voice is screaming just in different words. As I mull this over as I write, I remember how uncomfortable I felt when they said those things to me.

These times, where I’m at my darkest (which I will openly admit that I am right now), I am the most raw and sensitive to things. Being raw means that no matter what I do next I am easily influenced in both good and bad ways. It’s a very delicate time, it’s exhausting, frustrating, full of rage, and oodles of other amazing emotions.

To really break it down it feels like I’m drowning. I’m exhausted from swimming to shore, and treading water but never really getting there. I feel consumed by food, consumed by people talking about food, being worried about food, and when and what I will eat next. I’m frustrated because these thoughts are not easily controllable and are ever present. I’m frustrated because I don’t feel significant motivation o change. I’m angry at myself for allowing it to consume me. I’m angry at other people for it being easy for them (even though I know it’s not), I’m angry at my boyfriend because he can eat anything and not gain weight. I hate myself because I don’t feel like I can keep my head above water. With all of these feelings running through my body at once, it wears you down.

With this said, it’s a good opportunity for self reflection, and taking some time to rejuvenate my introverted self. Good thing I took this week off. J Taking this week off was necessary, and couldn’t come at a better time. Since hearing those things from my friends, my attitude has changed. These friends of mine were actively being cheerleaders in my progress. They knew that I needed to hear these things, and I needed to hear them in order to move forward in my progress. Were they hard to hear? Yes? Were they necessary? Yes. Do I want them to keep talking to me about hard things? Hell yes.

They may not know exactly what I’m going through; most people don’t, as everyone’s journey is different and even if you have experience in something you still don’t know what the other person is dealing with inside. They especially have a hard time understanding what I am personally going thorough,because they do not have experience directly with eating disorders, or addiction. They won’t understand the battle I struggle with most every day and that’s okay. It’s not really my job to get them to understand. I just appreciate that they accept and love me for who I am and will always be my cheerleader no matter what.

 

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Commitment

People who have known me for years have been so complimentary of my success. They say things like “You look so good”, followed by  “What is the key or secret to your success?

Usually I start with “Thank you“. If you don’t know me well, or if you do know me well you should know it is really hard for me to accept a compliment. After the initial thank you, I tell them a list of multiple things, sometimes I look back at what I write (through face book or text message) and find it a bit overwhelming myself. I usually follow up by saying something like “I’d love to sit down with you and chat if you are ever interested.” 

It became very apparent that my success has never been one thing. To be honest a lot of the times I don’t feel successful, especially right now. People want answers though and I get that. They want to know how to do it themselves. What I can tell you is that success is multi-dimensional.

Everything we do and why we do it is multi-dimensional. Meaning I had to attack it from different angles and layers. As I approach this blog, I am primarily addressing the different layers of my self and what I’m going through. My real secret though, believe it or not, was commitment. One single word, and all though it sounds easy… It’s not. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to accomplish.

For my 29th birthday I decided to gift myself life. I knew it would be a journey, it would not be easy and I was just going to have to accept that.

With that said… and what I mean by multi-dimensional, is that with my commitment I had to commit to not only myself, but my food, and changing the way that I ate food, cooked food and my relationship with food. I also had to be open to my process, and the new path that I would take.

For my 29th birthday I joined a weight loss clinic. I give a lot of credit to a few food consultants that I did work with to loose weight. They helped me loose 70 lbs through diet change and working their program.

This was going well until recently when my commitment to myself seemed to change. Even more recently this past week I had been binge eating so bad that I felt like throwing up on Sunday because of it. My mind was consumed with old ways of thinking, and I hated myself. I hated my body. I hated my addiction. I could probably tell you all that Iv’e consumed in the past 4-5 days, well most of it anyways. It would probably make you sick. I actually threw a cake away in the trash today to prevent myself from eating it all.

Today, or rather tonight I re-committed myself again. At 930 at night I bought groceries. Chicken, fruit, lettuce, and other veggies. One of the reasons why I eat crap is because I’m not prepared. When I allow myself to eat crap, I then spiral fairly easy into a binge, which sometimes lasts for days.

A part of the program with the clinic was practicing new ways of thinking and eating through diet and some homework. They asked lots of questions and had me look at different aspects of my life including different things in my environment, triggers, planning, tracking food, emotional eating, setting goals, self image,  and more.

I really have learned a lot that has helped so much in my process. The one thing though that has really come to light has been staying engaged in my learning about my food addiction and eating disorder to help stay present in my progress. It’s really hard to change 20 years of deeply in-bedded practices, but I’m going to continue to work towards a healthier me. 🙂

Even though it was late at night tonight, I cooked my chicken, prepared my lunch for tomorrow and wrote this blog post. I needed to be prepared tomorrow, as I know that if I’m not prepared… I will eat crap, which will only perpetuate the cycle. If I didn’t prepare, I wouldn’t be following through with my commitment to myself.

 

 

It’s a journey, not a destination.

Hello blog land,

Just to share with you about myself before I dive into this piece and really this blog commitment.

I’m Rachael, a compulsive over eater, food addict, emotional eater and binge eater. I love people, painting, giving, coaching people, teaching, entertaining, cooking, baking, watching movies, hiking, being active, shopping, reading, celebrating, playing games, and more. I find joy in most things these days.

I am a terrible writer. I can guarantee authentic writing from my heart. I can’t guarantee it will always be grammatically correct, or that my spelling is always correct. I will do my best.

I started writing this blog to help me cope and deal with my eating disorder. I’ve self diagnosed myself with a plethora of “not otherwise” specified ideas under this eating disorder. It is not the typical of what you think an eating disorder usually is. When most people think of eating disorders they think of bulimia and anorexia. People talk about them. People who have them are less likely to talk about them.  We hear about, read about them and know more information about them. Though what is rarely talked about is why we have them.

I personally struggle with an eating disorder that isn’t talked about as often. Actually people who are heavier are considered fat, lazy, and well… I bet you can fill in the rest of your assumptions.

I have been heavier most of my life and at this moment, age 30 I have the strongest grasp over myself, my body, my food, my life that I’ve had most of my life. I can share my weight with you later, actually, I will let you continue to assume what I am, or you can just ask. Though, does it really matter how much I weigh? Not really.

I don’t’ want to say I suffer from, rather I’m a surviving from food addiction, emotional eating, over eating, compulsive overeating, binge eating and a few other things that I probably even now am un-aware of. At this time I do not want to get into it that deeply, as that is what my blog will uncover. What I can tell you is that these behaviors are learned, and continue because of beliefs about myself. These beliefs include but are not limited to my self worth, abilities, capabilities, self love, and beauty. These learned behaviors affect my relationships (family, friendships and romantic), and comes out in a plethora of ways.

My intentions of this blog are to address the different things that come up with eating disorders, addiction and my authentic self living through them. I want to include the why and my truth, in a very raw fashion.

With all of that said, I am going to keep my first entry short and sweet. I just wanted to give a brief entry as an intro to let you know who I am and what’s to come. I do have a history with an eating disorder, and food addiction though I do not have professional training from a school or have a license in anything (other than my own drivers license). I am making moves every day to help make this better, and what works for me may not always work for you.

I give this blog as an offering more from my journey’s perspective than solving your problem. What works for me may not work for someone else. ALSO, there has not been and will probably continue to not be only one contributing factor to my growing from this process. It is REAL, it is HARD and I have committed to a journey.

Thank you for being a part of my journey, I am looking forward to growing with you!