Day 1

Today wasn’t so bad, but it was tricky.

When I’m on track, or when things get hard, one of the most effective things I can do is be prepared. I didn’t really prepare last night for today, except pull out some taco filling I had frozen last week. I also had plans to make a smoothie in the morning with spinach, protein powder (It’s called RAW, dairy free, soy free, vegan, and vegetarian), almond milk, frozen fruit and water. Today I woke up suddenly, and was in a hurry. I got dressed really fast, and followed through with my smoothie making plan. It really doesn’t take that long, so I shouldn’t have any excuses really.

I toyed with the idea of not bringing anything else, and a little voice in my brain said… Rachael!!! You know better. I have been getting the lettuce and spinach in the container, and threw some in a container to take with me to eat with my taco filling (fake beef (Quoran), corn, onion, bell pepper and chilies). The vanilla creamer is apart of a routine that I can break, and I know it… It just takes practice. I’ve also done sugar free flavors in the past, and they were not triggering to me for some reason which was great.

I ate my lunch around 12:45, and was hungry again around 1:45, which I ate two single serving tuna packets, and some walnuts as a snack later in the day. I keep several tuna packets in my desk drawer at work which help me when I forget to bring food to work.

There were several moments today that I felt I needed or wanted to eat candy. We have a bag of it in my work space. A co-worker was actually eating it right in front of me. At-least they were Tutsi-rolls, I don’t like those. Another co-worker also brought a giant bag of chips into work today and was munching on them all afternoon, AND another one went and got a cheese burger. Tomorrow I think I’m going to practice not paying attention to what they have and how much they have.

I  wanted an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon, but opted for a cup of tea instead.

It’s the end of the month, and I get paid tomorrow. I looked at my bank account today, and realized I had a little bit of extra money. Another co-worker bought a pizza yesterday after work, and it really stuck with me. I could pick up a pizza on my way home I thought! After realizing what I was thinking, I had to shut it down. It’s not that I will never eat a pizza again, just trying to get through this week, and the next few weeks and months. I think pizza will come again. I just need to get through the brain pieces.

Dinner came, and I made buffalo fake chicken (Quoran) and cauliflower. I had seconds, and all I want to do is eat some of the Halo Top ice-cream in my freezer. It’s 745PM, other than being tired because I didn’t sleep well. I’m full and happy. I’m going to finish drinking my 2nd water bottle for the day, and tomorrow I plan on drinking 3. It’s important to continue to increase my fluids as coming down off of sugar and carbs could give me a head ace.

I’ve got this!

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Giving up the Junk… Again.

I have decided to give up the sugar and the junk food again… for like the 9 millionth time in my life. And… Like every time I try to announce it, as some form of accountability. Well… What you’ve already discovered, maybe, if I wrote about it, is the real accountability comes from you. YOU have to decide and want to do it, and follow through which can be really hard.

I, like every time, usually have made some public announcement, or start a blog… much like the one here. Only I’ve already started the blog, and since I started this blog for many reasons, one of the most major reason was to give people the in-on the process piece of getting from A-B.

So… I have decided to give up junk/sugar/carb food… AGAIN… Only this time, I will write one blog post every day for a week to talk about how it goes and the daily struggle of overcoming the first week of detoxing from the crap. I will also take a picture of myself in real time, mostly to just show the real life piece of this journey.

This is my What the FUCK have I been doing to myself face, the I am vulnerable no make-up just got out of the shower face, the I AM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY face. Frankly I’m a little scared, food scares me and I know when I’m not “on” sugar, or not eating crap, it is easier to not feel so obsessed all of the time. win_20161128_21_42_00_pro-2

I will write more tomorrow, and let you know how day one went.

Labels.

I was going to entitle this post, “Addict? ADD? or both?” and then I thought, really Rachael?

I have a problem with labels.

Often times we will be labeled by other people, and their assumptions behind them. This is where stereotypes come into play. People like classification, and understanding. When we put labels on people, it makes us easier for us to understand them. It creates ideas about people, with out true understanding.

When we label things, even if you don’t think its’ true, people tend to live out those labels. It for some reason, puts limitations on our abilities to complete, or finish, or advance. It creates rules around how we should live, and it sometimes means we can’t be anything different, well at least in the eyes of the ones who have stereotyped us. It’s crappy. It’s crappy because people are not always what other people think they are, based off those stereotypes.

One of the labels that I take on is eating disorder not otherwise specified. I know it will always be with me, and also I know I break the mold from the usual eating disorder. I’m heavier-taller than most women. I have struggled with it since I was a kid, and also its’ not a “typical” eating disorder. I think it’s important to break stereotypes and stretch peoples minds. When I say I am a food addict, or I am emotional or a binge eater… People assume a lot of other things about me that may or may not be true. There is way more understanding though in eating disorder. Either way, it is treated similarly… Well at least I think it does.

When I wrote Addict? ADD? or both? I found some humor in that ADD are the first three letters of addict. Which is interesting because, when we are addicted to something, we get so far gone we don’t even know why we are doing it in the first place. I mean, there is so much more to it than just that. My thoughts on this are, we are so distracted from the original thing, it’s so hard to get back to the beginning. People who are ADD seem to have a hard time staying focused, and can run around in circles before they find there way. I know this, because I also have ADD.

The better I start to understand myself, and the more mature I get… The more I care about what I own, and how much I try not to care about what other people label me as. I once wrote about being an addict. Sure, I think addiction runs in my family. Sure, I have food addiction. At this point, I can realistically say that I drink sometimes more with some friends than other… Because I’m bored. Because my ADD cannot handle sitting, and talking about the same things over and over again. I need something that engages my body, my creativity. It’s a struggle.

I worked with a woman once who labeled me pretty quickly. I don’t really know what she labeled me as, and I could only assume she labeled me as a “goody goody” type person… Until she saw my tattoo on my arm, saw me take shots when we were out down town, and maybe even swear. She said, Wow, I didn’t expect that from you. Working in a social work field, I was a little surprised she was so surprised.

In the end, we are who we are, and we get to be who we want to be. Either way, I like to surprise people. It’s pretty fun being myself.

 

 

Shifting self care.

Self care looks very different to different people.

Recently I met with my counselor and we brainstormed some self care things. Of the list I made she said that she really liked the one of me “laying in bed with out electronics quietly” best.

Its the only one where I was still and almost in a meditative position. When I’m feeling at my lowest, or rather when I’ve had a bad day, my boyfriend will come home and find me in my bed. Usually with my phone, but more recently just being still in the space. It’s because its a place where I feel safe, and cozy. It also gives me the opportunity to be still in my mind and body, which I rarely allow myself to be.

It’s important for self care to be simple sometimes. Realistically, it maybe all we can really can handle at the time. I know at least for me, sometimes when I’ve engaged so much with people, or I’ve been really busy, or have had a rough day… All I want to do, is not do.

When we are engaged with something, we tend to use it for dissociation from the actual problem itself. This is okay, as long as we don’t get stuck here, or rather there. Then it becomes this cycle we cannot get out of. Dissociation, is much larger than this blog post can handle and something I am very good at. Briefly though, we use it to pretty much pretend like the problem doesn’t exist, and use something else to replace it, or to cope with it.

As an example for me: as a child I would eat food and watch TV. I would do this because I was lonely, I would do it because my father didn’t engage me, and also because well frankly he wasn’t nice to me all of the time. I used television as an escape from my problems. Dissociation is deeper than just that, it becomes a problem sometimes when you are engaging with people, suddenly you drift off in mid conversation. It’s like the light is on and nobody is home… It’s separating yourself from what you are feeling and what is present.

Self care, until recently has been watching television and zoning out. At this point it isn’t really self care anymore. It’s habit, and it isn’t serving me. Now don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy binge watching TV, and I think it is and can be very useful in relaxing and unwinding.

Because self care has been so repetitive, it is important to sometimes just be alone with yourself, with no distractions.

Other things I enjoy doing, and are also self care things include: Walks with friends, tea, warm baths, painting, cooking and writing. They are things that I want to take over instead of the “Nothing” things that I do (like zoning out on tv). Like all things, new habits take practice. Until then I will lay in my bed, quietly for self care until I am ready to actually do the other things. Until then, they are just fun. 🙂