Thank you

Thank you to the men along the way that have helped me feel safe and secure. To the ones who never wavered, tested their boundaries and have held space for me to be myself and grow.

After loosing my dad this year and re-connecting with family (my half sisters and brother); I’ve come to realize I am not alone in my own fucked up-ness because of him. More recently, I’ve been more present for what I’ve missed out on. I’ve been watching this TV show with my roommate about a family that lost their dad in high-school, just before graduation. It is called “This is Us”— All the feels. Anyway, the dad in that show comes across as amazing. Needless to say, I cried a lot watching it and was pretty shocked by my own loss and what I never had.

I had been writing this post in a Starbucks on paper, while writing I observed a man and a younger gal talking to each other for a bit. After she had left, he had explained that she was like his daughter to him. He talked about his own daughter and had said how he bragged about her. It sunk in that my own dad would have never bragged about me. I let him know in the moment that “She was very lucky to have him brag about her”.

After having this conversation with him, it brought up all of the men in my life who were actually positive role models for me growing up. At the time because of my own PTSD with older men, I was terrified of them. Now I look back in admiration, appreciation and gratefulness. Slow and steady, I’ve been able to overcome my PTSD through multiple years in therapy.

The men I’m thinking about are my grandpa, Mike, John, and more recently Scott.

I have pictures of myself when I was much younger, like 3 years old, laying on my grandpas chest. He was the only man in my life at the time that never wavered, and he loved me unconditionally. I never doubted him. He was consistent and kind.

John and Mike were church leaders. They were kind, compassionate and amazing men. They listened with open hearts, they were consistent, and strong. They sat through all of my growth, my struggles and grief. They had amazing boundaries and I felt as safe as any other teenage girl would have felt with PTSD in the moment. As I look back on that time, I recognize their support and the impact they had on me when I was younger. It was impressionable and important in my personal growth and journey.

I am not going to write about Scott, but I did tell him to his face my gratefulness for his presence in my life.

I do raise my glass to these men, and many more who have impacted my life in positive ways. Ones who have allowed me to feel safe, who have not wavered outside of their boundaries and who have been instrumental to my growth in my self and overcoming my PTSD with men. You are truly amazing humans on this planet.

I cannot thank you enough.

Advertisements

Out again

I didn’t get married.
I should have known better with someone so unsure in their own mind about things.

This past summer has gone by so quickly and it is fall now. The leaves have dropped, and I’m drinking coffee out of a fancy cup again at Starbucks.

I moved in with my friend and her kids.

It’s heartbreaking and lovely at the same time.

I want so badly to have my own family, and yet I seek comfort in being around others with theirs.

The bonus part of all of this: My options are endless. I could go anywhere, and be anyone I want. That’s a pretty empowering feeling.

The hunt is on.

Timeline:

I know I have dumped a lot today.

I just wanted to give a time line of the last year and a half or so, just so you can see what’s been going on.

A year ago… in September of 2016 I made the decision to move out of the house I was living in with Jacob and move on from that relationship. A friend also passed away at this time.I thought I was going to live by myself and to do that I needed to make more money, so I applied for new jobs and went to several interviews over the next year.

In the Spring time of 2017 I found out that my dad had gone into a home. I was told by one of my sisters, and at the time I didn’t know what to do.

At the time with the breaking up with Jacob (took me almost a year to leave), I decided to do nothing about my dad.

I started looking for a place in June to move in with roommates. I found a place and moved out in August.

In October I moved back into Jacob’s house and we were engaged and started planning a wedding.

In late December of 2017 I received a call from my brother stating dad was in the hospital. I visited him in January of 2018, the day after he got out of the hospital…. And he passed early March 7th.

—All of these things were hard, and I made it through at my own pace.

I disabled Facebook.

You won’t find me there, so yah. It became really easy when I realized that I could keep Facebook messenger, and get rid of the other part.

I did it in January, because of all of the things that were happening in my life.

It became super overwhelming and I became very addicted to “scrolling” through Facebook and checking out in the process.

I also was tired of reading every-ones bullshit. Because people only really post things to create an allusion that their life is something… Something that it is or isn’t. I was getting caught up in this world of drama, that I didn’t want to be apart of anymore.

I also got caught up in some self worth by how many likes I got, who was saying what and how people were reacting to me. I know that posting things and getting involved with FB is a choice, and I just didn’t want to make it a choice I could access for a while.—So i could actually focus on myself, and what my needs were, versus what others want to see or want me to be.

Some positives that have come out of it: Perhaps my relationships are improving. A friend of mine invited me to her birthday in person because she realized I didn’t have Facebook and wasn’t apart of her event thing on FB. So that’s cool—

I think It will swoop back in my life in a few months. Facebook is a great way to get a hold of everyone during wedding times.

What I haven’t told you.

I moved back in with my partner in October and were getting married.

I moved out in August, with this lovely gal I met off of craigslist. I think I wrote about this experience earlier.

In September, Jacob and I started to talk. He suddenly had all sorts of things he wanted to say to me. We met in person at his house, and talked for hours– Mostly him wanting to tell me all of the things he didn’t have the courage to say before. I left his house, more confused than before, with him saying that “If I made a move I know what hat means” –We would get engaged and get married… and eventually have a child.

The next day he invited me to watch the football game with him on Sunday.

I was even more confused than before. And rolled over in my head and conversation with him that I didn’t know what to do… I ended up at his house again, and we talked more about us being together and what that would look like. He said he wanted to marry me, but needed more time. I told him I was done waiting for him. That’s when Jacob got quiet, he put his head down and after a few seconds he began to cry and said “I want to Marry you”

I moved back in, in early October and — Our official engagement happened in November. He wanted to take me out for dinner, and all weekend kept trying to get me to go out to where we first met, but couldn’t get me out of the house. While I was downstairs brushing my teeth, he had lit candles in our bedroom, and had hid my ring in one of the empty jewelry boxes on my dresser. When I found the ring, he got down on one knee and asked me to Marry him. And here we are, engaged and planning a wedding.