I don’t mean to brag but…

I’m an extremely good cook.

I’ve always loved cooking, but since watching Michael Polland’s documentary series on Netflix, I’ve tried to explore cooking in a new way. In the last year I’ve also bought several vegan cook books (okay 3) which have allowed me to explore a little bit outside of my comfort zone. I’ve worked really hard to make cooking more mindful and the result has inspired creative deliciousness.

I’ve been following vegan recipes, which have been more complex and over all so much more delicious. Cooking isn’t always simple, it is delicate, complex, meditative, and endures a lot of patience.

My relationship with food is changing. I can see it, and feel it. I do know that there is still a struggle, and that’s why I mentioned it in my past post. The struggle is there when I’m not following my intuition and passion. It’s there when I don’t recognize the present feelings.

But in the last few months I’ve been challenging myself in the kitchen. I’ve been working harder for the food I put into my body. I’ve been soaking cashews, letting dough rest, and baking vegetables in the oven in ways that I’d never tried before.

I don’t cook like this every day. But, I try a few days a week to explore something new.

What it’s done to help with this ED process: It slows down life, creates a more intentional vibe and process. Also, the slowing down piece creates a mind space that is less likely to be impulsive and compulsive.  It has helped me explore my intentional passion for food. I have developed more patience in the kitchen, which has allowed me to wait for things to be done cooking, and cool down enough to eat. I’ve also been able to access my creativity in a new way and try out new things. I’ve tapped into my curiosity and my desire for wanting to try new things just to see if I can do it.

I think it also has inspired a higher level of care of what I put into my body. I’m less and less interested in packaged foods, and more interested in making it. When I make it, I know exactly what I’m putting into my body, and I’ve worked for it. I feel more accomplished, and satisfied.

 

 

Mindfulness

I have been challenged to be more mindful lately. IT’s something I’ve been trying to incorporate into my life over the past few years.

Coming from a life that was pretty disengaging, into a more engaging one, is a consistent struggle.

I’ve had moments of mindfulness in my days, and this is what it has looked like in the past 24 hours.

Yesterday I took the day off, after being off most of the week for being sick. I already had the day pre-planned off… I spent the day doing some self care, shopping and getting my hair done. I came home, cleaned the house and worked on a painting. I am including it below, but will describe it and where my mind wandered and how I pulled myself back.

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I had the background of this painting painted, and hasn’t known what to add to it because it hadn’t seemed complete. It dawned on me a few weeks ago, but I had been fighting the urge to do it, and I think it’s because there are a lot of positive words on there I wasn’t sure I was able to own up to.

As I was doing it, I had to look up positive self affirmation words. For someone who doesn’t talk to herself positively, it can be challenging to think of positive words. The words I had a hard time writing were valued, gorgeous, eye-catching, desirable, able and pretty. Those are words I have not practiced saying to myself, or feel true. I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed.  I do have to say, I checked out briefly, I was watching tv, and our cable guy came to fix our cable box.

 

Day 6

I missed writing Friday and Saturday.

It’s been a busy weekend, unintentionally.

Friday we were out with a friend for dinner, I ate a sandwich, mostly just the filling of the sandwich, and probably half the bread and a salad for dinner. I also had two drinks. Saturday came, and I can’t remember what I had for lunch, but we got our tree, set it up, and decorated it. We also put a new faucet in our kitchen for our sink. Well, we attempted to. Then my boyfriend wanted a new sink. So we bought one, and after taking out the old sink to replace it we found mold in the counter tops.

Since finding mold in the counter tops, we had to rip them out. Because we didn’t have a sink, last night we ordered Mexican to be delivered. I swore I ordered chicken fajitas, which would have been fairly okay, especially if I didn’t eat the tortillas. What came was chicken enchiladas. I made a mistake. I ate them, and they had flour tortillas. I ate the beans too, just not the rice. That was probably my only hiccup of the day.

TODAY we bought new counter tops. I sanded the wall where the glue had been from the previous “back splash”, I then taped up most of the kitchen and painted the wall a beautiful shade of robins egg blue.  We ordered take out again… We mostly don’t want to do all of the dishes… in the bathroom, because we were un-sure when the sink would go in. We ordered Thai food, which was pretty easy to get healthy.

It’s almost 9:30, I’m physically and mentally tired. Our house looks like a tornado came through. All of our kitchen drawers are in our living room, our kitchen aid is in the craft room, all of the pots and pans are in there too, along with our food processor… Trash can, recycle bin.. All living in the living room temporarily. It feels chaotic. It is chaotic.

Food this weekend wasn’t great, but… it wasn’t bad. I still haven’t dipped into the Halo ice-cream in the fridge. I haven’t eaten any of the cheeze-its my boyfriend bought from Target today… even though I want to. I haven’t drank since Friday. I did treat myself to a diet coke today. Which is something I haven’t had in a long time.

Also… The coffee I’ve gotten this past weekend have been 1/2 calf americano’s and I add some artificial sweetener and some half and half.

I’m ready for the week, and am looking forward to having my house back!

No picture today, but I have paint in my hair, paint all over my shirt, and probably on my face. My hair is wacky and my feet hurt pretty bad.

Goodnight, more tomorrow.

 

Day 2

It’s been a different day than normal.

I was lucky that I had a counseling apt today, she was super helpful and of course on board with my plan. She usually is on board where ever I’m at. She’s pretty good at helping, when I need help, and has given me lots of feedback before about food stuff. A while ago she suggested I had two proteins for breakfast, and two for lunch, mostly because living with a vegetarian, we don’t have real meat at home. I also know that in the past when I’ve been successful, I’ve eaten more meat protein during the day. It helps keep me energized an full longer.

Wednesdays is also bread day at work. I work at a non-profit, we get donated bread and treats from our local Panera for our families and youth at our organization. What sucks, is it gets brought to my floor, right next to my office. Every Wednesday I walk in and will walk into a plethora of bread smells. I have really thought about all of the places that bread could go instead of that room, but there is no other place. It’s a break room, the only break room we really have. It’s where the bread lives on Wednesdays and Thursdays. If there are too many bread snacks there, someone will bring snacks into our office area. So often times there are scones, cookies and bagels right in front of my face. I didn’t eat any today, and that will remain the same as time goes on.

I left early today for an interview. This isn’t normal either. My plan was I was bringing a smoothie, and would leave at 12:30, knowing I would be hungry and needing to go home and eat before I got ready. 12:30 came, and everyone and their mom, or so it felt wanted to talk to me. I at some point, I had to apologize for being cranky because I knew I was hungry and had a plan and needed to execute. I ended up looking at my co-worker and saying… If you could finish this, and completely take care of it I will buy you a coffee. What I was asking him to do, was sometimes my job and sometimes his job, and probably more my job than his. And then I left.

I ate some lunch, went to the interview… And replayed all of the questions in my head with what I wish I would have said differently. After talking with my boyfriend, and replaying some of the things, he said I actually did pretty well. It really felt like a learning lesson more than anything. It’s the first time I had interviewed for anything in a while. It was helpful to practice. We will see what happens.

This is starting to feel like a long post, so I will try to wrap up the evening quickly… Even though it probably is the most important part of my food stuff for the day.

After my interview, I ended up going grocery shopping. If I’m in it to win it, or if I’m being dedicated to my goal, I need to be prepared. I bought easy protein. After brainstorming with my counselor this morning, I found out that they sell cooked, prepared chicken breasts in separate packages at Trader Joes. YESSS! So I bought them, plus some chicken burger type things that are easy to cook and low in calories. I also bought a few other things that will probably help me stay successful.

I ate two cheese sticks in the car, a little package of trail mix (both from trader joes), and then I ate a few bites of left over sweet potatoes and apples from Thanksgiving, and then…. I went out with my boyfriend for dinner and had three tiny chicken tacos on corn tortillas, a 6oz of beer, kombucha, and came home and had a bowl of left over buffalo cauliflower.

I stopped at that. The cauliflower seemed excessive. I don’t know how many calories I’ve eaten today, or yesterday and I’m trying not to care. Counting calories makes me crazy. I don’t really regret food today. I think the only thing I would have done differently would have been the 3pm range to 6:30 range with the cheese, trail mix and sweet potato apples.

I wasn’t sure when my boyfriend was going to come home, and it was almost too early to eat something big. SO I snacked, and after the sweet potato mix, I stopped. If I would have given it more thought I probably would have eaten one of the chicken burgers I brought home instead. That would have curved my snacking and extra eating when I got home after tacos. I also need some sort of snack between my smoothie and lunch, maybe that’s a good time for some nuts? Maybe. 🙂 I’m also going to switch up my breakfast as well.

It’s almost 10:20, I almost didn’t write tonight, but I am glad I did. I’m pooped.

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Day 1

Today wasn’t so bad, but it was tricky.

When I’m on track, or when things get hard, one of the most effective things I can do is be prepared. I didn’t really prepare last night for today, except pull out some taco filling I had frozen last week. I also had plans to make a smoothie in the morning with spinach, protein powder (It’s called RAW, dairy free, soy free, vegan, and vegetarian), almond milk, frozen fruit and water. Today I woke up suddenly, and was in a hurry. I got dressed really fast, and followed through with my smoothie making plan. It really doesn’t take that long, so I shouldn’t have any excuses really.

I toyed with the idea of not bringing anything else, and a little voice in my brain said… Rachael!!! You know better. I have been getting the lettuce and spinach in the container, and threw some in a container to take with me to eat with my taco filling (fake beef (Quoran), corn, onion, bell pepper and chilies). The vanilla creamer is apart of a routine that I can break, and I know it… It just takes practice. I’ve also done sugar free flavors in the past, and they were not triggering to me for some reason which was great.

I ate my lunch around 12:45, and was hungry again around 1:45, which I ate two single serving tuna packets, and some walnuts as a snack later in the day. I keep several tuna packets in my desk drawer at work which help me when I forget to bring food to work.

There were several moments today that I felt I needed or wanted to eat candy. We have a bag of it in my work space. A co-worker was actually eating it right in front of me. At-least they were Tutsi-rolls, I don’t like those. Another co-worker also brought a giant bag of chips into work today and was munching on them all afternoon, AND another one went and got a cheese burger. Tomorrow I think I’m going to practice not paying attention to what they have and how much they have.

I  wanted an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon, but opted for a cup of tea instead.

It’s the end of the month, and I get paid tomorrow. I looked at my bank account today, and realized I had a little bit of extra money. Another co-worker bought a pizza yesterday after work, and it really stuck with me. I could pick up a pizza on my way home I thought! After realizing what I was thinking, I had to shut it down. It’s not that I will never eat a pizza again, just trying to get through this week, and the next few weeks and months. I think pizza will come again. I just need to get through the brain pieces.

Dinner came, and I made buffalo fake chicken (Quoran) and cauliflower. I had seconds, and all I want to do is eat some of the Halo Top ice-cream in my freezer. It’s 745PM, other than being tired because I didn’t sleep well. I’m full and happy. I’m going to finish drinking my 2nd water bottle for the day, and tomorrow I plan on drinking 3. It’s important to continue to increase my fluids as coming down off of sugar and carbs could give me a head ace.

I’ve got this!

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Giving up the Junk… Again.

I have decided to give up the sugar and the junk food again… for like the 9 millionth time in my life. And… Like every time I try to announce it, as some form of accountability. Well… What you’ve already discovered, maybe, if I wrote about it, is the real accountability comes from you. YOU have to decide and want to do it, and follow through which can be really hard.

I, like every time, usually have made some public announcement, or start a blog… much like the one here. Only I’ve already started the blog, and since I started this blog for many reasons, one of the most major reason was to give people the in-on the process piece of getting from A-B.

So… I have decided to give up junk/sugar/carb food… AGAIN… Only this time, I will write one blog post every day for a week to talk about how it goes and the daily struggle of overcoming the first week of detoxing from the crap. I will also take a picture of myself in real time, mostly to just show the real life piece of this journey.

This is my What the FUCK have I been doing to myself face, the I am vulnerable no make-up just got out of the shower face, the I AM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY face. Frankly I’m a little scared, food scares me and I know when I’m not “on” sugar, or not eating crap, it is easier to not feel so obsessed all of the time. win_20161128_21_42_00_pro-2

I will write more tomorrow, and let you know how day one went.

Picking

I cannot remember the first time I picked my skin, but I remember in middle school getting zits and popping them. I think this is where my picking nature started.

I remember I would wear makeup to cover up the zits that would form on my face. Makeup covered all of my flaws and made me look like someone else. Which I covered more in my last post.

I have this thing on my upper arms where I get little red bumps. I was and am really self conscious of them. I started picking at my arms I think to deflaw them, which only made it worse and then from there I developed it further with picking at my chest, stomach and now legs. It’s a super nasty habit. I don’t get why I still do it, and I go through trends where I do it more often than not. 

It is linked, I think to more the self hatred, self harm side of me and body perfection. I get it though, it’s so not logical to pick your body to gain body perfection. I mean… I now have scars all over my body from it.

Scars that I’ve accepted, scars that I’ve grown to love and accept as a part of me and my days of hurting my body. They are battle wounds in a way. I have and am surviving addiction of food and self loathing. Those scars are apart of this journey.