My power candle.

I don’t even know where I got this idea, but it’s super cheesy so bear with me. I have a power candle for when I work out. I was at Michaels spending money like a good consumer, well for my wedding. I was buying craft supplies. Anyway I came across this candle and I bought it. I also found this notebook that tracked work outs. Both were on sale, and the moment I got home I put on my work out clothes and decided to light this candle and let it be my power candle. I imagined only positive things coming out of it, and turned all of my negative self talking into positive thoughts. I kept repeating over and over.. I’ve got this, keep going, only one more time, I’ve got this. And I felt amazing.

I also made a new painting that said “I’ve got this”. And I can’t help but smile when I look at it. I’ve worked out a few times last week, like 2-3 times, and so far twice this week. It’s not a lot, but it’s a hell of a lot more thanI had been doing before!

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Overcoming the Bully

Okay, first of all.. this is not something that has been happening over night. It’s years and years of therapy and changing the way I think about things.

Easier said than done and I’m not 100% healed, but I’m so much better than I was 3 years ago, even months ago, or moments ago.

Remember those I AM paintings I did? Well they started to work.

Side bar: In graduate school I took a tutor class which helped me with my papers and also gave me credit at the same time. But I learned something there that has stuck with me through out the years and has changed my thinking patterns in a way I could never have expected. You wouldn’t know this about me but I’m afraid of writing. I’m laughing as I say that because I have this blog with over 60 posts. But writing at the time was one of the most vulnerable places for me to be, and I was terrified of posting my papers etc. Anyway this writing tutor taught some psychology with her class and she taught about neuro transmitters and pathways. If we live one way, it’s hard for our minds to do something new unless we practice something new consistently. As we move forward in that practice, it creates new neuro pathways and those new ways of doing or thinking becomes easier.

Those paintings I started painting, have been really powerful and pivotal in this mind changing game. When I repeat I am enough, enough times… I’ve started to believe it. I even wrote it on a sticky note at my desk.

My next post will be about my most recent achievement with this and how I’ve been able to overcome the bully as I’ve been consistently working out!

After all this time.

I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

I’ve talked about these voices (I mean self critic, I’m not hearing voices). Let’s just be clear, it’s my inner voice that I’m talking about. But this self critic who has been holding me back, the one I’ve deemed my dad’s voice, is really myself. And I know that, but I’ve trained myself into being the biggest and worst bully of them all. All of those people who harassed me and made me believe I wasn’t good enough, has really trained me to be my biggest bully. I am my biggest bully. WTF.

Working out and self bullying.

I think I’ve posted before that I’m a cereal gym member and never really have been a goer. This has always been for reasons that seem really terrible at the time, but now feel super petty. It’s also the excuses I’ve made up in my brain about the reasons why I shouldn’t go to the gym.

I would join gyms because I thought it was the right thing to do. I would join them and be pretty good about it for a month or two and then something stops me from going.

One time I was working out at the gym a lot, I had a trainer and everything that I had gotten as a gift from my mom. What “ruined it” for me that time was this desk attendant. Every time I would come in, he would ask if I was meeting me with my trainer. I about lost it and eventually stopped going, because I avoided having that conversation with him. I lost motivation, and also, felt judged in my brain which then spiraled into a nasty fest of self doubt, confidence and self hate. You know the words: You will never be able to… or you are not good enough… etc

Anyway, what ends up happening, is me judging myself and comparing myself to other people at the gym. I’d get so wrapped up in what I wasn’t and what I couldn’t do, that working out was more stressful to me because of how much I would make up in my head about it and what the consequences would be. So frankly I would just give up. Now that I think about it, going to the gym under this mind set was super self harmy to my mental health. I was being my own self bully. Wow.

I mean, most of these are just excuses and reasons for me to not do it. Which seemed easier than actually doing it.

Next post is about what steps I’ve been taking to overcome this mentality.

More progress:

I’ve written a lot today and I just wanted to end with some additional thoughts and progress. Despite everything that has gone on in the last year… this last fall, I started to feel more free. With my job being the most consistent it’s ever been, and my living situation being concrete, I am the most consistent I’ve ever been.

These concrete things has alleviated so much anxiety from my life. Having these things be consistent, has allowed more space for more positive things in my life. It has allowed me to be myself more than ever, and safely. In a safe judgmental free environment.

When Jacob and I were separated, I was struggling with a lot. I think I mentioned the fleas, but my new home was infested. I was so overwhelmed with trying to heal and kill fleas at the same time. I couldn’t really take care of myself. One night I was so upset and was on the verge of a panic attack. My environment had changed so much. I was laying on my bed, and in the midst of all of the tears I was looking at my laundry basket at the end of my bed (with all of the flea shit, I had been doing a lot of laundry trying to kill them). I suddenly realized how long I have had that laundry basket. It has the word Sweetheart on it, which was my camp name from when I worked at summer camp during the summers of like 2004-2006… I’ve had it for a long time.

All though this was one weird realization, it inspired me to list other consistences I have in my life. It helped calmed me down and realized that I had more consistency than I thought I had. It helped normalize my grief.

Consistency is important, and hard to identify when we are are amongst the chaos of our brains. When we feel like our world is falling apart and we feel abandoned by life around us, identifying the consistent (positive, and random normal) things helps regulate us back to reality. It helped me disconnect from the mess that I was creating, to get to something real, which helped me seek out the consistent positives that were going on.

—I’m not sure if any of this makes sense? Maybe you can fill in some gaps if you agree?

Recent Lessons

In my last post I talked about the voices in my brain about self worth being the voice of my father. Thinking about it in that perspective has been a game changer.

My partner and I were arguing about something and I was able to talk myself out of self talk from this new perspective. I was brushing my teeth, walked away and was spiraling fast into some negative talk that was bad. —I don’t even remember what I had said to myself, it really doesn’t matter. Mid brushing, I stopped and said Whhhattt. Like what just happened there, and realized that it was my dad’s voice that was plaguing me. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t my voice. It was his. Okay, not his directly, but it became clear that it was another entity other than myself. —Mind you I thought about this the day before I found out he was back in the hospital.

————-As a disclaimer, I have felt this a lot in the past. I have felt that this other piece of me was a different person. Now that I’ve identified that it was “his voice” and not mine, it seems more clear than ever. It was easy to change the perspective of it not really being me.————-

Sunday my partner and I were digging out our fire-pit. We were trying to decide on how we would do something, and we both had ideas about how to do it. In the process I also was unable to help in the way that I wanted to. I got really mad and snotty with him and then just ended up keeping my mouth shut. Suddenly I got really tense and mad about the situation. I started spiraling in my brain… and what I started to do was separate myself from those thoughts and feelings to why I felt them. I realized that I felt those things because I felt criticized and un-empowered to help. With criticism, comes the self doubt of I’m not doing a good enough job.

Separating my thoughts from his thoughts and words… really this other being that I’ve been fighting for so long has helped me move forward from a lot of bullshit. I’m looking forward to growing  more from this new perspective and seeing what happens.

It’s suddenly spring again.

Grief hit me yesterday as I was driving home from some shopping. It was a beautiful day and as I was driving I noticed the cherry blossoms had started to bloom. It hit me like a ton of bricks, Dad would never see spring again and I nearly had to pull over because of the tears.

The more that I’ve been thinking about it, the more I realize that he stopped seeing spring a few years ago. As he aged he developed Alzheimers, and lost all control of his mind. It’s kind of ironic, because he spent most of his life fighting to gain control over situations and people. —At least that was my perception.

I found out last Monday that he was back in the hospital and it would be a few days before he passed as they were not treating him. I found out while at work, and was in shock. I went home and I yelled. I was so mad at him. I was mad because of his claws that he’s had in me since I was a child. It’s the voices of “You are not good enough” “your voice doesn’t matter’— From my bed, under the sheets, I sat up crying and yelled “You’ve stripped me of my self worth” Because he did. Those voices in my head, the ones that have haunted me for so long were his voices.

Grief is such a weird thing. It comes when it wants and leaves as if nothing every happened. I haven’t told many people, other than those at work and a few close friends. It’s a really hard thing to say out loud. Most of the time I’m okay, and then out of the blue I get whiff of sadness and I don’t even know what triggered it or what to do. I do know that I’m going to be okay. –I’ve learned some things, which I will write in another post.

 

 

 

Today

It became clear how badly I needed to address myself. My body, my mind, all the things…

I’ve been neglecting myself, and my mental health.

I cried to my mother today, and I made a call to my nurse practitioner. I made a decision to follow through. I had anxiety addressing some of my barriers, but I did it. I’m proud, scared and unhappy. Something needed to be done.

June 2017

In June I watched a movie on Netflix called “What the Health”.

I was in shock. To say the least.

I mean, I knew how badly animals were treated, and how many preservatives and chemicals that get pumped into any animal product… I did not really really know or understand to the extent, enough to become full vegan before.

If you have not seen it yet, or are interested in watching it, there were about 5 minutes of the whole film I could not actually watch, and covered or closed my eyes. I was disturbed. Sickened actually.

There were a few human subjects on the film who had become vegan, to show how a vegan diet can change your body, so that they would not longer have to take the medications that had been prescribed because of their previous diets. My only Beef of the film had to do with these human subjects. The study they did lasted two weeks and the people were off of their meds and functioning. I would have loved to have seen a longer version of this study to capture a stronger message.

I have always said… I wanted to be a vegan, but I loved cheese too much. I wanted to become a vegetarian, but I would be terrible at it because I don’t eat beans or soy very well.

Because of this movie, in June of 2017, I became a vegan. NO more excuses.

Of course with every Diet there are people’s limits and what they feel comfortable doing. At this time I am not eating any animal product, and have not started living a full vegan life style.

Like I’ve said many times before, I am just trying to eat in a more intentional and intuitive way.

Last week:

I’ve been on the verge of a binge.

I have felt it coming on for a few days now.

I have a lot going on in my personal life and some second hand trauma from work that is really weighing me down. I wasn’t sure who to reach out to, to prevent myself from actually binging.

This was me last week.

I was alone in the office when I wrote it. A lot was building up, and at the time my coworker walked by and luckily we have a relationship where he let me vent.

I hadn’t slept well, and I was really just on the verge of loosing it.

I did not go into a full on binge. I did drink, but not too much.

I feel okay… I feel okay right now.