I FORGOT ABOUT FOOD

I forgot there was a bag of chips in the cupboard.

As someone who has been so obsessed in the past, and would know everything that was in the cupboard at all times. —I can’t believe how much I’ve recovered and how much I’ve changed.

I remember living with my friend who had food in her house, so much so it was overwhelming. She would forget what she had and would buy more. So much so that she would have several unopened and opened bags of chocolate chips in her cupboard. But I knew, I was obsessed with food. Always thinking about it, always knowing, always always always.

A few weeks ago, I opened the cupboard, and saw a bag of chips in there. I had forgotten I had them. It was a pivotal moment in my life. It was suddenly as if the gates opened and the light shined through. It was a moment to celebrate!

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3 Christmases ago I hit a deer

It was 5 in the morning, and I was driving to my job to help make breakfast for the youth at the shelter I was working at on Christmas morning. It was dark, and all I remember was there was a deer and it ran in front of me and then hit the side of my car. I remember staring him or her in the eyes and then it ran off. It was a moment that I will never forget and try to tuck away. I mean I hit a deer, on Christmas morning, while I was trying to drive to work to do something nice for some people. There was no damage to my car, and I was okay, well besides the anxiety of it all.

Well today, I walked around the block, well, several blocks, for about an hour and on my way back, in the exact spot I see this woman pulling something tan from the road… In the exact spot I had hit the deer 3 Christmases ago. I walk closer and I notice it’s a fawn, it didn’t quite have any spots anymore, but it definitely was little and it was breathing. I watched her, and there was this younger guy that walks up. He was the one that had hit the deer, and he explained it as the deer hit him. Which in this day and age, lets get realistic, I mean… The deer probably hit him.

I didn’t tell him about my story, because I didn’t think it was appropriate, but I did say that I was sorry that it had happened, patted his arm, and asked if he was okay. After he let me know that he had called someone and he was okay, I walked away. I didn’t really think I needed to keep standing there interacting.

I mean what else can you do? And what did it all mean? I mean I had this amazing walk where I was listening to someone’s story about their life, and I was feeling pretty good about myself, and then I walk into this literal deja vu. WTF?

It’s September

So I haven’t written all summer… and I should have. I’m getting over this idea that I go through these periods of writing and not writing. It’s okay, I’m writing again, and I’m grateful for these moments of clarity.

I moved out of my ex’s house. I wrote earlier that I probably truly wouldn’t be able to take care of myself there, knowing that it would never end the way that I wanted it to. So I had to leave. It’s not something I really want to write about right now, but I’m sure it will come. Just know that it was one of the hardest and easiest things I’ve ever done.

I spent the majority of August, playing and taking care of my new place and the fucking fleas that still live here. I’m calling my landlord Tuesday in hopes he has better news and hopefully send these fuckers packing, they are not welcome here..

Either way, it’s September now and I’m trying to look up into the world in a new light.

Yesterday was tough, I cried all day because I didn’t feel good about things. I was sad because it suddenly sunk in how lonely life can be with out waking up to your person, and going to sleep with them by your side. You are suddenly solely responsible for yourself. Your own eating, your own waking up on time, your own bills, your own everything and not to mention your emotional well being. I ended my day among friends, while watching friends, drinking diet coke with vodka and smoking a cigarette. It was exactly what I needed, and I felt okay about it. I don’t make a habit of smoking, but I’ve been known to throw back a few every once in a while.

I went to sleep last night with this new mindset in mind. I was going to go for a run. Well… Walk run… okay mostly walk. But I did get a wave from a cute guy recognizing I was out taking care of myself. Now I’m not going to dive too deep into this because I want to write a post in a bit how I hit a deer with my car probably 3 Christmases ago…. It will make sense when I write it and the weird symbolism in it.

Anyway, It’s September, I have a lot of ideas, I have a lot of things that have changed besides my current relationship status, and I have goals to write more often.